[Life]: How To Deal With An Identity Crisis?!

[chochajin]

Hey!~

So, it's set. I've booked a flight to Germany for this winter vacation. I'll stay there for 2 weeks.
I haven't been home for Christmas for about 7 years or so now. Will be weird, I guess.
But it's a necessary step in order to find out what I really want.


The thing is that it's not as simple as: Stay in Japan or not?!
The real problem is that I have no idea what I want on almost each and every level in my life.

• I don't know where I want to live in the future.


• I don't know what kind of job I want to do.


• I don't know if I want to have children or not.

I just have no idea what I want for my future - other than being happy and healthy.

I think it's an identity crisis or whatever you want to call it. I don't think it's a midlife crisis, because I don't think it has to do with my age - other than the "baby question" where my biological clock is ticking louder and louder.

I still have no idea how to get out of this crisis.


I'm really afraid of any future job prospects. To be honest, what I've studied at university is nothing useful at all.
I haven't LEARNED anything that I can actually put to USE!
At first I studied to become a teacher for English and German (Realschullehramt), but after a few semesters I knew it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Even back then I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew what I didn't want to do.
I started again from zero and studied educational science (Diplom-Pädagogik) instead, focusing on adults.
My hope was that I could get into a company and work there in the Human Resources Department or coach new office workers or whatever. All the other options for people like me sounded HORRIBLE and I've already done internships in those fields and found them frustrating, e.g. dealing with migrant juveniles who can't speak German well and don't care about studying at all.
Others work with drug addicts, deal with domestic violence or got into marriage counseling.
NONE OF THESE are for me AT ALL!!!!

Now, you might wonder why I studied educational science then, but at that time I just didn't know what else to do and I really enjoyed the topics I got to study (sociology, psychology etc.).
HOWEVER, all of the things I learned are not useful. There is no money in that!
Seems like I've been in an identity crisis ever since I was out of school, huh? ....

If I were to go back to Germany (or Europe), I need to be super lucky to find a job that will take me from the spot although I don't have the necessary qualifications.
I will NOT work in the jobs that are meant for people with my degree. Although in recent years people say we have to be "Quereinsteiger" (career changer) anyways.



Hell, I even learned about "identity crisis" in my field of study, but I'm quite sure that it's not normal in your 30s! :( .....

I know that nobody here can help me, but I fear I can't help myself either.
It's just a very frustrating situation. Not a new situation at all, but it's getting worse and worse the longer it takes for me to figure things out.


I'm all for living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future. After all we never know if that future is coming or not.
But I also think it's wrong to keep living the exact same way that I've been the past few years - without thinking about the future at all ...

Comments

[kurikuribebi]

I relate to this post cause Im kind of going through the same thing right now, feeling pressed to figure out what the heck I'm gonna do with myself. My advice is wait until you take that vacation to make any decisions. I feel like this isn't something you can decide when you're there.

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling as well.

But WAITING is not an OPTION for ME anymore. People keep telling me to just wait and see because eventually I'll figure something out, but this has gone on FOR YEARS now!
I've lost hope that just by waiting anything can be solved! :(

On the other hand, nothing is changing as I can't make a decision. I don't know how.

It's so frustrating!

And sorry for the offensive way of writing. It's not against you, it just shows how frustrated I am with myself at the moment! :( :(

[nighstar.livejournal.com]

...i so totally feel you, and i wish i could help. i hope that the two weeks back home will at least be enjoyable, if not bring something to light.

i'm already in a similar situation to yours, but i'm sure that i will pretty much be in the exact same situation given a couple of years. my only hope now is that i can save up lots of money as you have done to help keep me on my feet while i figure things out...

i know that ideally you would like to leave Japan (whether now or later) with some sort of plan or idea for the future in place. my hope is that you will at least be able to find something small to latch onto in order to pull yourself through the rest of the way.

wishing you the best. :/

[leviosa8.livejournal.com]

I don't know, what you describe is something I have seen happen to many people around me, and to myself. I know few people who work at what they've studied, or something related. I truly think you need to talk to people in person, people who speak your language, maybe someone professional, who could counsel you, or at least listen to you properly for as many times as it takes (I bored my family about my own identity and future-related worries, but it did help -- now, find people who at least listen, not just anyone or you'll end up more frustrated).

You seem convinced that you should find answers on your own, but that seldom happens. To me life is like an old graphic adventure game: by moving around you trigger events, make decisions, get things, lose things, and make progress towards goals, known and new.

My advice, based on personal experience:
1. Get out of Japan, even if it just for those two Christmas weeks you have booked.
2. Talk to people IN PERSON: your family (your brother again, too, but in person), your friends (those who listen), someone professional if need be.
3. Add the new perspectives to your daily life when you return to Japan.
4. Change something, even small things, for a while until you change your life into some direction you feel at least comfortable with.

That's all I can think of. But please, do not believe for a second that one day you are going to wake up and by sheer willpower you'll make a life-changing decision. You are bound to make mistakes in some decisions you'll make from now on, but remember: as long as you are not chained to a mortgage or children, you'll be able to change your life drastically more than once yet. That too is important to take into account!

And knowing what you definitely, gut-sure do not want, at least, is a good thing as well. : )

[hinoai.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but maybe this will help?
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Who-Are-You-Meant-to-Be-Self-Assessment-Quiz

I took it and it told me what I'd already come to know about myself.

One piece of advice that I can give is to do something that you can't go back on and change, that will force you to take further action. My advice would be your job. Tell them that you are not renewing your contract for next year. So you are going to be forced to change things-- whether it's getting another job in Japan, or moving abroad, or frantically looking for anything, anywhere that you can do. Like being on a school deadline, the moments where you often are the most creative are the ones when you have to.

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

Awww *hugs*

No worries. Nobody can help me with that.
It would be easier if there were two clear options A and B and I just had to decide between those two options. But in reality there are just too many options right now. Actually something I'm REALLY thankful for, but on the other hand, I have no clue what to do.

I wonder what it's so hard to figure out what one really wants to do. Maybe I just don't have anything I truly want to do? Jeez ... :/

Maybe by coming back to Japan, you'll discover something new and figure something out. I really hope so! :D

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

Levi, thanks so much! ^^

Very good advice. I'm not sure if I'm the person who gets out anything of talking to people in person, but I intend to do so.
I can't really talk to any other family members, but my brother about it, though.
I will try to talk about it to friends as well - if they're there and if they'll listen.

And I'm trying to change tiny things in my life already, little by little, and by doing so I hope I'll make new encounters and through new ecounters I hope I get new perspectives.
Like my brother said, if I just sit down and do nothing, NOTHING will CHANGE. That's the same thing you said, just more graphically with the game metaphor! *g*

I do NOT believe that things will just magically pop up in my dreams and then I know it all. It would be great if that could happen, but I know it won't.
I'm just not sure how to go about it and what to do next in ORDER to get to some kind of conclusion for now.
So, your adivce is more than welcome!

Thank you! :D

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

We did those kinds of tests in university as well. I remember doing one when I was in yet another crisis and the test didn't help me AT ALL! :(
I'll have a look at it, though.

Good advice.
Unfortunately I already renewed my contract (I was rushed into it) and in one of my previous entries I also explained why I don't want to do anything too hasty at the moment. Though I FULLY understand where you're coming from and I can totally see that it's working. I already did the same thing once when I quit my last job here in Japan.
Only problem is that it didn't change much in my life last time.

I'll try to find something else that I can change - and once changed can't be undone anymore.
Thanks so much! :3333

[kurikuribebi]

Oh no, you're fine.
What I mean is to wait until this trip before making any final decision. Because now you may be thinking it's best to leave Japan, but then you go home, something happens, and your passion is renewed. I don't mean wait more years or anything. Because right now, you can't decide anything, as you said. This trip might be just what is needed to help you make up your mind. It's not smart to keep putting the decision off, but it's even less smart to leave when you aren't 100% sure of your next move.

[kevinsensei.livejournal.com]

The thing is, you're basically in a safety zone. Even though you seem to have had enough of it, your job is safe. Living in Japan, while a pain in the a-- sometimes, is also safe. I don't mean to offend you, but you are also safe in your lack of a romantic relationship - you don't have the potential risk of heartbreak. This entire situation doesn't really challenge you and as such is limiting your personal growth and fulfillment.

All that being said, you really ought to start taking some risks. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

The job - yes, you renewed your contract but you can get out of that. People do it all the time. Don't worry about the inconvenience to them, as you have to do what's best for you. You may not be able to find a job that is your dream or passion - welcome to the real world. Just find a job that you wouldn't mind doing that can support you and keep up with your other interests on the side.

Living in Japan - Just get out. You don't have to go back to Germany but try something else. From your experience in Japan, it may seem that you need to have a job in hand before moving somewhere. Even in this day and age when you can do skype interviews etc. that's not always the case. You may need to be in country to do job hunting, live off your savings for a while, and sort out the visa situation later. As far as which particular country to move to, well that's all just a matter of preference. You might need to take a trip to some of these places first to experience them and get a real sense of whether you could live there or not.

Relationship - You seem to put yourself down a lot in this category. I don't know why. You are an attractive woman. However, if your low self-esteem manifests itself IRL, I can see how you'd have difficulty finding someone to be with. Low self-esteem is a real turn-off. Granted, as a foreign woman in Japan finding someone is especially challenging. While there are foreign women who have found someone and settled down in Japan, that's a very small percentage. So the odds are against you. By the way, have you been attracted to anyone that you've met while living in Japan? If so, what did you do about it?

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I really appreciate your advice. I REALLY DO! Especially because you've been in a similar situation - at least in terms of whether you should leave Japan or not.

I'm very well aware of the fact that I have issues getting out of my safety zone.
I'm currently trying to change little things step by step, later bigger changes. It's still better than doing nothing and maybe my anxiety will get less once I've done a few changes "without getting burned".

As for relationships, I don't think that it's because I'm afraid of being hurt or losing my freedom or anything.
I think it's simply because I'm lazy. It's similar to getting yourself to workout.
I don't do anything about it, so of course I don't meet anybody - unless some prince will suddenly appear in front of my apartment.
That's also why I truly can say that I haven't met anyone that I've been attracted to in all those 6 years here in Japan.
All my Japanese co-workers were female. The foreign guys all were married or had girlfriends and NONE of them was my type. Not even close.
There was one guy I felt attracted right after I arrived in Japan, but he left 1 week after I arrived, so that's that.

I've met a few people while traveling and maybe you remember one of my recent travel stories where I met a diver my age who actually lives quite close to where I do. We met by coincidence 3 days in a row and while I didn't feel attracted to him, I do regret that I wasn't brave enough to ask for his contact. Maybe he has friends ... or maybe he could have become a good friend.
But I didn't dare to ask. Hello, low self-esteem. I know that it's really a big problem and I can't really say that it has gotten better here in Japan. :(

As for the job: I don't expect to find my passion. I don't know what that could be anyways with over 30, so it won't happen. But I am afraid that I will end up working in jobs that I don't like doing, getting mentally and then physically sick. A 1-month internship managed to do that with me. I really hated that kind of job and after one month I was a wrack. Imagine what a job like that could do to me! :(

The problem is that I keep asking myself: I need to get out of Japan because .....???
And often I can't come up with reasons that are good enough. *sigh*

Thanks so much for listening / reading! :)

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't make a decision before that anyways. How if I don't know shit! :(
I fear that even after spending 2 weeks in Germany I won't know what to do, but I got to at least try, right? :)

[mit-souko.livejournal.com]

I agree with kevinsensei and leviiosa8.

But I would like to say that, very often, you don't know you will like a job till you do it. I was only 16 when I started college. I was too young to know what to do, and got into law school [in France you have a prep year, then go directly into it]. After 2 years, I realized I absolutely hated law. But, in the French system, it's hard to change fields of study without restarting from scratch. So I continued through to my degree. But then, I ended up in the US, where a French law degree is useless. Eventually I started working in accounting [took some evening classes], and found to my surprise that I really liked it! So, very often you don't know till you do it.

In my experience, it is also difficult to decide if you want children or not. They are not abstract beings, but people you have to care for, worry about, be responsible for. It depends very much on the situation, on your partner, etc. Sometimes they arrive by accident, and you find you adore them anyway.

For heaven's sake, work on your self esteem and stop putting yourself down! You clearly are pretty and have talents. Be proud of yourself, think of your assets, not of impediments!

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

I don't know why everybody keeps focusing on the relationship part.
I know that I need to work on my self esteem in general.

As for finding a job, I know that what I've learned in university won't help me. Of course, I can't tell that possible employees.
Most of the useful things I am capable of doing (digital graphics, social media etc.) is something I learned by doing. I think they're very useful, but I doubt a future employee would say the same.

Just like in France (I suppose) it takes a long time to finish any kind of education. If I want to change my career and start from zero, it would take years until I could start working in that field. As opposed to other countries like America where a lot of things can be obtained much faster.

I'm well aware of the big change a child would bring to my life.
I also have quite a good picture of what I have to expect as I'm dealing with kids aged 2 - 18 every single day.
I never ever wanted children until I came to Japan. For 27 years I was sure I never would want children.
Now, I'm not so sure anymore - as you can see.
Of course, I need to give it a lot of thought first. I'm just throwing it in as it's an option I am considering for my future.

[littlekitt.livejournal.com]

Ah I know exactly how you feel! I'm only 23 but am already worried about my future. At first I wanted to be a vet tech but only because it's safe. I really want to be a children's book illustrator or character designer but it's hard to get a good job in that field D:

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

You know that people who studied Geisteswissenschaften (Humanities) or Sozialwissenschaften (Social Studies) mostly don't work in their chosen subject, right? Studying is mostly about learning how to learn and if you've passed your studies you have shown that you can do that. No one ever asked my how well I did on my studies and my point of study was rarely important for my jobs. THAT I studied though was important.

I've studied Japanese Studies and just to give you an idea, here is what my co-students are doing now (as far as I know off): Works for B-Win (online betting), works as private detective, works doing their own art, works as research assistant, works for a bow manufacturer (archery), studies to being a tour guide (in Austria), works as her family's company, works abroad for bank and I myself have my own travel agency. So you see, it's all over the place.

To get a job you have to be adaptable and able to learn. Cultural understanding is very important nowadays as is good language skills (with German, English & Japanese you have a very good basis).

The point is, all those job adds are usually unattainable. People who can all the things wanted in the add usually have a way better job anyway or would not work for the payment offered. So it's all about going to an interview with a good attitude of I can do this. I might not be able to do this or that right now, but I can learn it, no problem.

So getting a job shouldn't necessary be a problem. You might even get one that is decently paid (probably nowhere near what you get now, but enough to pay the rent and have some over for entertainment and holidays).

You might see your lack of a certain direction as a problem, but actually this makes you versatile. You're not set on one job type.

That doesn't really help with where to go or if you want to stay. That's a totally different kettle of fish.

Maybe just try to concentrate on what you want in your life. Make a list of what you're missing now and this might actually help you with your decision.

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

Nowadays you don't really have to stay in a job you hate. Most jobs are just that, a job. Nothing to get passionate about, but not really something that you take home with either. If you have nice colleagues, that's usually enough to make a job good.

And about the attraction, that's not necessary that has to be there from the beginning. Sometimes attraction grows from getting to know people :D

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

You seem to mention relationships quite often, I think that's why everyone picks up on it. It's not necessary a romantic relationship, but you see miss having friends where you live?

You're quite mistaken about having to study for ages for a job. Unless you want to be a lawyer or an architect (hell, I know an architect who hated her job and is much happier working for architects drawing designs) or some such job. You've taught yourself those extra skills, that's worth a lot.

[nighstar.livejournal.com]

- "I wonder what it's so hard to figure out what one really wants to do. Maybe I just don't have anything I truly want to do? Jeez ... :/"

for me, it's the opposite, actually. there are too many things that i want to do that i have trouble deciding which to go for. the problem is similar to what you said in your post: many of the things that i really really want to do there is no money or market for. :/

i think it's really sad when you have to forgo a dream just because it wont get you enough money to live how you'd like....

[nara-heiwa.livejournal.com]

i know i can't help you =/
but i can totally understand you, cause i'm going through the same
i don't know what i want to do in my life, what kind of a job i want or where i want to live
i'm a biologist, but i don't work in my area and don't want to, i found that in the last year of the university and i'm already 28 years old...i know i don't want to get marriage nor even have kids, that's for sure and don't want to live with my parents my whole life
the job i'm doing right now it's not what i want for the rest of my life, but it's what i have right now, so i'm saving money cause in the future i want to have my own home and i want to travel, cause i feel like i don't belong here in my country, Brazil, but where do i belong? don't know. It will be a new experience for me, i'll grow up, but this doesn't mean that i'll find what i want to do in my life
you, on the other hand, already travelled, already lived in another country, so i don't know.
psichologist helped me with so many things, but this issue i have to solve on my own.
but i understand your frustation, it's really hard to know what kind of job we want for the rest of our lifes, i envy people who always knew what they really want, i thought about doing another college, but i wouldn't know what would it be, so i'm lost too
it's hard, but you will figure out what to do!

[nighstar.livejournal.com]

sorry to butt in here, but i really like kevinsensei's advice. :)

and i must say.... even though i was eventually burned by the risk that i took when i left JET, i do not regret doing it in the least. in fact, i now wish i had had the courage to take such a risk WITHOUT anyone else having been involved. some risks are definitely worth taking and sometimes it's impossible to know just how worth it it is until you take it.

i'd be a very different person now had i not taken that risk and grown from the experience.

- "The problem is that I keep asking myself: I need to get out of Japan because .....???"

how about this: i need to get out of Japan to try something new. to challenge myself. to grow.

[kurikuribebi]

exactly! It's like someone said in another comment. You need to go and talk to people. See what you've been missing, what's lacking.

[hinoai.livejournal.com]

Aw man, that means that you can't leave Japan or make a major change for a year? That really sucks. But like you said, there must be something else that you can do to change things! Ganbatte!

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

I can do whatever I want - if I need to. It's another 2-years contract btw.

Thanks! ^^

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

To try something new? That sounds like going back to Germany is definitely not an option then, because it's not really "something new" ;)

But I get what you mean! :)

I don't mind risking something, but I just don't see the point at the moment.
I really, really wanted to go to Japan so badly no matter what. I didn't care about what kind of job I got and where in Japan as long as I could go. I wasn't anxious at all.

This time I have absolutely no drive, motivation and nothing I want, so it's REALLY hard to risk something.