[Life]: How To Deal With An Identity Crisis?!

[chochajin]

Hey!~

So, it's set. I've booked a flight to Germany for this winter vacation. I'll stay there for 2 weeks.
I haven't been home for Christmas for about 7 years or so now. Will be weird, I guess.
But it's a necessary step in order to find out what I really want.


The thing is that it's not as simple as: Stay in Japan or not?!
The real problem is that I have no idea what I want on almost each and every level in my life.

• I don't know where I want to live in the future.


• I don't know what kind of job I want to do.


• I don't know if I want to have children or not.

I just have no idea what I want for my future - other than being happy and healthy.

I think it's an identity crisis or whatever you want to call it. I don't think it's a midlife crisis, because I don't think it has to do with my age - other than the "baby question" where my biological clock is ticking louder and louder.

I still have no idea how to get out of this crisis.


I'm really afraid of any future job prospects. To be honest, what I've studied at university is nothing useful at all.
I haven't LEARNED anything that I can actually put to USE!
At first I studied to become a teacher for English and German (Realschullehramt), but after a few semesters I knew it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Even back then I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew what I didn't want to do.
I started again from zero and studied educational science (Diplom-Pädagogik) instead, focusing on adults.
My hope was that I could get into a company and work there in the Human Resources Department or coach new office workers or whatever. All the other options for people like me sounded HORRIBLE and I've already done internships in those fields and found them frustrating, e.g. dealing with migrant juveniles who can't speak German well and don't care about studying at all.
Others work with drug addicts, deal with domestic violence or got into marriage counseling.
NONE OF THESE are for me AT ALL!!!!

Now, you might wonder why I studied educational science then, but at that time I just didn't know what else to do and I really enjoyed the topics I got to study (sociology, psychology etc.).
HOWEVER, all of the things I learned are not useful. There is no money in that!
Seems like I've been in an identity crisis ever since I was out of school, huh? ....

If I were to go back to Germany (or Europe), I need to be super lucky to find a job that will take me from the spot although I don't have the necessary qualifications.
I will NOT work in the jobs that are meant for people with my degree. Although in recent years people say we have to be "Quereinsteiger" (career changer) anyways.



Hell, I even learned about "identity crisis" in my field of study, but I'm quite sure that it's not normal in your 30s! :( .....

I know that nobody here can help me, but I fear I can't help myself either.
It's just a very frustrating situation. Not a new situation at all, but it's getting worse and worse the longer it takes for me to figure things out.


I'm all for living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future. After all we never know if that future is coming or not.
But I also think it's wrong to keep living the exact same way that I've been the past few years - without thinking about the future at all ...

Comments

[kevinsensei.livejournal.com]

The thing is, you're basically in a safety zone. Even though you seem to have had enough of it, your job is safe. Living in Japan, while a pain in the a-- sometimes, is also safe. I don't mean to offend you, but you are also safe in your lack of a romantic relationship - you don't have the potential risk of heartbreak. This entire situation doesn't really challenge you and as such is limiting your personal growth and fulfillment.

All that being said, you really ought to start taking some risks. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

The job - yes, you renewed your contract but you can get out of that. People do it all the time. Don't worry about the inconvenience to them, as you have to do what's best for you. You may not be able to find a job that is your dream or passion - welcome to the real world. Just find a job that you wouldn't mind doing that can support you and keep up with your other interests on the side.

Living in Japan - Just get out. You don't have to go back to Germany but try something else. From your experience in Japan, it may seem that you need to have a job in hand before moving somewhere. Even in this day and age when you can do skype interviews etc. that's not always the case. You may need to be in country to do job hunting, live off your savings for a while, and sort out the visa situation later. As far as which particular country to move to, well that's all just a matter of preference. You might need to take a trip to some of these places first to experience them and get a real sense of whether you could live there or not.

Relationship - You seem to put yourself down a lot in this category. I don't know why. You are an attractive woman. However, if your low self-esteem manifests itself IRL, I can see how you'd have difficulty finding someone to be with. Low self-esteem is a real turn-off. Granted, as a foreign woman in Japan finding someone is especially challenging. While there are foreign women who have found someone and settled down in Japan, that's a very small percentage. So the odds are against you. By the way, have you been attracted to anyone that you've met while living in Japan? If so, what did you do about it?

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I really appreciate your advice. I REALLY DO! Especially because you've been in a similar situation - at least in terms of whether you should leave Japan or not.

I'm very well aware of the fact that I have issues getting out of my safety zone.
I'm currently trying to change little things step by step, later bigger changes. It's still better than doing nothing and maybe my anxiety will get less once I've done a few changes "without getting burned".

As for relationships, I don't think that it's because I'm afraid of being hurt or losing my freedom or anything.
I think it's simply because I'm lazy. It's similar to getting yourself to workout.
I don't do anything about it, so of course I don't meet anybody - unless some prince will suddenly appear in front of my apartment.
That's also why I truly can say that I haven't met anyone that I've been attracted to in all those 6 years here in Japan.
All my Japanese co-workers were female. The foreign guys all were married or had girlfriends and NONE of them was my type. Not even close.
There was one guy I felt attracted right after I arrived in Japan, but he left 1 week after I arrived, so that's that.

I've met a few people while traveling and maybe you remember one of my recent travel stories where I met a diver my age who actually lives quite close to where I do. We met by coincidence 3 days in a row and while I didn't feel attracted to him, I do regret that I wasn't brave enough to ask for his contact. Maybe he has friends ... or maybe he could have become a good friend.
But I didn't dare to ask. Hello, low self-esteem. I know that it's really a big problem and I can't really say that it has gotten better here in Japan. :(

As for the job: I don't expect to find my passion. I don't know what that could be anyways with over 30, so it won't happen. But I am afraid that I will end up working in jobs that I don't like doing, getting mentally and then physically sick. A 1-month internship managed to do that with me. I really hated that kind of job and after one month I was a wrack. Imagine what a job like that could do to me! :(

The problem is that I keep asking myself: I need to get out of Japan because .....???
And often I can't come up with reasons that are good enough. *sigh*

Thanks so much for listening / reading! :)

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

Nowadays you don't really have to stay in a job you hate. Most jobs are just that, a job. Nothing to get passionate about, but not really something that you take home with either. If you have nice colleagues, that's usually enough to make a job good.

And about the attraction, that's not necessary that has to be there from the beginning. Sometimes attraction grows from getting to know people :D

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

But if you quit one job after another, it doesn't look too good either .... and you need to do some kind of work in order to earn money. It's quite possible that I'll run from one horrible job to another until I find something that's not a complete nightmare.

Well, that's true. I tend to fall for people I didn't notice much at first. That even goes for idols / actors (Ikuta Toma / Dr. Koto etc.) XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

Well if you only stayed for two weeks or one month, no reason to mention it on your resume, right? If someone asks what you did during that time, you just say you took some time off for family or yourself or travel.

I usually fell in love with my best friends. I can vouch for that approach now with 16 years and counting :)

[nighstar.livejournal.com]

sorry to butt in here, but i really like kevinsensei's advice. :)

and i must say.... even though i was eventually burned by the risk that i took when i left JET, i do not regret doing it in the least. in fact, i now wish i had had the courage to take such a risk WITHOUT anyone else having been involved. some risks are definitely worth taking and sometimes it's impossible to know just how worth it it is until you take it.

i'd be a very different person now had i not taken that risk and grown from the experience.

- "The problem is that I keep asking myself: I need to get out of Japan because .....???"

how about this: i need to get out of Japan to try something new. to challenge myself. to grow.

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

To try something new? That sounds like going back to Germany is definitely not an option then, because it's not really "something new" ;)

But I get what you mean! :)

I don't mind risking something, but I just don't see the point at the moment.
I really, really wanted to go to Japan so badly no matter what. I didn't care about what kind of job I got and where in Japan as long as I could go. I wasn't anxious at all.

This time I have absolutely no drive, motivation and nothing I want, so it's REALLY hard to risk something.