[Life]: How To Deal With An Identity Crisis?!

[chochajin]

Hey!~

So, it's set. I've booked a flight to Germany for this winter vacation. I'll stay there for 2 weeks.
I haven't been home for Christmas for about 7 years or so now. Will be weird, I guess.
But it's a necessary step in order to find out what I really want.


The thing is that it's not as simple as: Stay in Japan or not?!
The real problem is that I have no idea what I want on almost each and every level in my life.

• I don't know where I want to live in the future.


• I don't know what kind of job I want to do.


• I don't know if I want to have children or not.

I just have no idea what I want for my future - other than being happy and healthy.

I think it's an identity crisis or whatever you want to call it. I don't think it's a midlife crisis, because I don't think it has to do with my age - other than the "baby question" where my biological clock is ticking louder and louder.

I still have no idea how to get out of this crisis.


I'm really afraid of any future job prospects. To be honest, what I've studied at university is nothing useful at all.
I haven't LEARNED anything that I can actually put to USE!
At first I studied to become a teacher for English and German (Realschullehramt), but after a few semesters I knew it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Even back then I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew what I didn't want to do.
I started again from zero and studied educational science (Diplom-Pädagogik) instead, focusing on adults.
My hope was that I could get into a company and work there in the Human Resources Department or coach new office workers or whatever. All the other options for people like me sounded HORRIBLE and I've already done internships in those fields and found them frustrating, e.g. dealing with migrant juveniles who can't speak German well and don't care about studying at all.
Others work with drug addicts, deal with domestic violence or got into marriage counseling.
NONE OF THESE are for me AT ALL!!!!

Now, you might wonder why I studied educational science then, but at that time I just didn't know what else to do and I really enjoyed the topics I got to study (sociology, psychology etc.).
HOWEVER, all of the things I learned are not useful. There is no money in that!
Seems like I've been in an identity crisis ever since I was out of school, huh? ....

If I were to go back to Germany (or Europe), I need to be super lucky to find a job that will take me from the spot although I don't have the necessary qualifications.
I will NOT work in the jobs that are meant for people with my degree. Although in recent years people say we have to be "Quereinsteiger" (career changer) anyways.



Hell, I even learned about "identity crisis" in my field of study, but I'm quite sure that it's not normal in your 30s! :( .....

I know that nobody here can help me, but I fear I can't help myself either.
It's just a very frustrating situation. Not a new situation at all, but it's getting worse and worse the longer it takes for me to figure things out.


I'm all for living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future. After all we never know if that future is coming or not.
But I also think it's wrong to keep living the exact same way that I've been the past few years - without thinking about the future at all ...

Comments

[mit-souko.livejournal.com]

I agree with kevinsensei and leviiosa8.

But I would like to say that, very often, you don't know you will like a job till you do it. I was only 16 when I started college. I was too young to know what to do, and got into law school [in France you have a prep year, then go directly into it]. After 2 years, I realized I absolutely hated law. But, in the French system, it's hard to change fields of study without restarting from scratch. So I continued through to my degree. But then, I ended up in the US, where a French law degree is useless. Eventually I started working in accounting [took some evening classes], and found to my surprise that I really liked it! So, very often you don't know till you do it.

In my experience, it is also difficult to decide if you want children or not. They are not abstract beings, but people you have to care for, worry about, be responsible for. It depends very much on the situation, on your partner, etc. Sometimes they arrive by accident, and you find you adore them anyway.

For heaven's sake, work on your self esteem and stop putting yourself down! You clearly are pretty and have talents. Be proud of yourself, think of your assets, not of impediments!

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

I don't know why everybody keeps focusing on the relationship part.
I know that I need to work on my self esteem in general.

As for finding a job, I know that what I've learned in university won't help me. Of course, I can't tell that possible employees.
Most of the useful things I am capable of doing (digital graphics, social media etc.) is something I learned by doing. I think they're very useful, but I doubt a future employee would say the same.

Just like in France (I suppose) it takes a long time to finish any kind of education. If I want to change my career and start from zero, it would take years until I could start working in that field. As opposed to other countries like America where a lot of things can be obtained much faster.

I'm well aware of the big change a child would bring to my life.
I also have quite a good picture of what I have to expect as I'm dealing with kids aged 2 - 18 every single day.
I never ever wanted children until I came to Japan. For 27 years I was sure I never would want children.
Now, I'm not so sure anymore - as you can see.
Of course, I need to give it a lot of thought first. I'm just throwing it in as it's an option I am considering for my future.

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

You seem to mention relationships quite often, I think that's why everyone picks up on it. It's not necessary a romantic relationship, but you see miss having friends where you live?

You're quite mistaken about having to study for ages for a job. Unless you want to be a lawyer or an architect (hell, I know an architect who hated her job and is much happier working for architects drawing designs) or some such job. You've taught yourself those extra skills, that's worth a lot.

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

I do? Never really noticed.

Well, it's not the greatest thing on earth that I'm always alone, so a few friends would be nice, yes.

I don't know anymore. I just have no clue. I guess I won't know until I go back and try.
The biggest problem is that if I realize that after all Japan is the place where I want to be, I might not be able to go back (as in: I won't get another visa). I already checked that ... :(
So, I'm risking a lot if I leave Japan.

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

Yup, you do :) I had the feeling that back at your other job you had more colleagues that you'd also call friends, maybe that's what you miss?

I don't think that with your experience and probably recommendations as well you wouldn't be able to find a job that sponsors you a visa in case you want to go back to Japan after all.

Didn't even headquarters offer you a job once?

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

Of course, I miss that, but that wasn't enough even back then. That was ONE of the reasons why I eventually moved and wanted to be closer to a bigger city. Even back then it was not enough ... and now I have even less than back then!

Headquarters? No idea what you're talking about, but no nobody offered me a job.

And it's quite likely that I won't get another visa because the requirements are still the same: native speaker of English or must have been educated in English for 12 years.
I don't fullfil these requirements and never will.

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

I think when you were looking for a new job you had some help from the company that designed the study courses that you use in your old and new school. I faintly remember that they once offered you a job to work directly with them? Might have mistaken something though.

But you have a visa right now? If it's not possible how can you have a visa? Besides I think it helps if you've already worked in that capacity and had a visa for it.

[chochajin.livejournal.com]

With a lot of help of others (my former boss etc.) I got the visa after the first application was rejected. From then it was just always renewing the same visa which is never a problem.

I hope that having experience (6+ years) in that field counts something, but I can't be 100% sure. All I'm saying is that there IS a chance that I might not get a visa again and then I'm out forever! :(