Hello everybody or rather Good night?!

I just came back from work and it's getting close to midnight while I'm typing this. I'm tired, but I really want to write this off of my soul.
Some of you already seemed to have grasped it from a few comments I made here and there in some of my entries.

I finally decided to leave Japan.
No, this has nothing to do with the earthquake and we're not talking about the very near future anyways.
People who have been reading my LJ for the past few years know that I had an entry like this at least once a year anyways, lamenting about not knowing whether I should / want to stay in Japan longer or not.

The thing is that after graduating from university (and even before that) I had this urge to go to Japan. I didn't care about how realistic it was or how bad it was for a possible future career, I just wanted it so badly and here I am now.
That being said, it was truly only supposed to be a short adventure. I went with a "working holiday visa" which is only valid for a year and I thought I'd go home again after that.
At that time I couldn't see myself living longer in Japan, especially because I already experienced Japan a bit during a vacation before I came here for good.

Anyways, thus far I couldn't bring myself to leave Japan as I felt I would regret leaving Japan. There were still so many things I wanted to do.
For quite a few months now (don't ask me when exactly it started) I got kind of fed up with all of this. I can't really describe it. It's just ... a feeling.
I don't hate Japan or anything! I still adore it and love it to bits and pieces, please don't get me wrong!!!!!!!!!
I'll always miss it and want to come back many times, I think.

Just right now I feel like I'm done with Japan. I don't wanna be here for that much longer.

So, when am I leaving Japan?
Well, that depends on a lot of things. Definitely not this year, so now you can take a deep breath, calm down and expect a lot of travel photos in the future, too *g*
Basically I'm done here once my contract ends next year in spring. I might go for a huge journey throughout Japan before I leave completely. *IF* I find something really interesting jobwise, I MIGHT consider moving and staying there for another year, but that's basically it.
(Though my mind might change again, who knows?! XD .... )


Alright, that's that.
Actually that's not what this entry is about, though.
Just because I decided that I've had enough of Japan now, doesn't mean that I have a clue what I want to do from here on.
When I came to Japan everything was so easy, so clear. For the first and only time in my life! Because it was something I really wanted from the bottom of my heart!!!

I'm really scared of going back home. Basically there's no reason for me to go back to Germany, just because I leave Japan. I could live anywhere else. It's just easier to go back home and start a new life from there (easy and cheaper).

The BIG problem - as always - is WHAT DO I WANT TO DO????
That's a question that I've always tried to avoid solving. It's not that I don't think about it. It's literally eating me up - but I just can't find a solution!
I've successfully avoided this decision by going to university after high school and then right to Japan after that. I didn't care much what kind of job was involved as long as it could get me to Japan.
Who would have thought that I'd love my job a lot? Hehe.

The problem I have might sound familiar to some of you guys, too. As we have so many choices nowadays, especially with a M.A. in your hands, it's REALLY difficult to find something.
First of all we should be happy that we HAVE a choice and are not forced to do something we don't want to, but having so many options can be overwhelming.
And that's exactly my problem. I've always known what I DON'T want to do, but never really had a clue what it is that I WANT to do jobwise.

After high school I was already into Japan and anime/manga and Japanese. That was around 12 years ago. I decided, though, to not make my hobby my occupation and went with something else that, back then, promised to give me a lot of free time so I could spend a lot of time with my hobbies.
I changed my mind after 2 years and studied yet something else which was something that was generally interesting, but I still didn't have a clue what to do later with it. It was definitely not the thing that interested me the most, but at that point and already having wasted 2 years of university anyways, I just thought as long as it's something that's interesting I just can go on and get a good degree and then see what I'll do from there on.
And then I went to Japan.



And now forget about what you just read! I'm mean today, huh?

Apart from what I've done so far or what I've studied or not, I've been thinking to figure out what would be a job that I can enjoy and that won't make me mentally of physically sick or ... less severe: unhappy?
I've worked in jobs that I hated before and it literally kills your soul and sooner or later your body, too!!!
There must be a way around this!

I've ordered a few books from Germany that are basically "guidebooks" for people who're looking for the "job of their dreams", their "ideal job" - a job that doesn't feel like a job. Something they'd do even if they didn't get any money for it!!
Usually I'm not the kind of person who reads books like that. Actually I should be the one qualified to help other people with those kind of questions!!! *blushes* (that's part of what I studied anyways ....)
Anyways, I'm desperate and I really wanna find something I'll enjoy doing! I don't think the "normal" way of looking for job ads that match my "qualifications" will work for me.
It will be difficult, though. My whole family expects a lot of me as I'm the first person at all who went to university! I don't care so much about that, about having a Ph.D. or not. All I want is lead a happy and healthy life! (I mean, who doesn't??!!)

Well, yes, I do like my current job, but there's nothing like it in Europe!
I know that this is limited and it's good!! If I had to do this job forever it would be hell!!! I'm not sure if you understand me right now ^-^;

Anyways, I've been working through these books and I became quite frustrated.
All of those books had really awesome reviews and seemed to have helped all the people who read them, but for me most of them didn't work! (not through all of them yet, though)

Questions like
"What is it that you enjoy doing every day?"
"What is something you would even pay for that you could do it?"
"What is something that you think other people would never give you money for (doingi it)?"
"What is something that lets you completely forget time?"
"What is something that you already enjoyed as kid?"

Based on your answers, you'll go and find an activity you can change into a "job".
It worked for many people. Those books have great examples of people who found out about their true desires through those books.

BUT FOR SOME FREAKING REASON THEY DON'T SEEM TO WORK FOR ME?!

Why? Well, that's easy. I even had problems to truly answer those questions above!!!
I thought and thought and thought ... but couldn't really come up with a good and satisfying answer.
I don't really know what I "enjoy" anymore.

I think one reason is that there are some big changes going on in my life now.
I wasn't satisfied with how my life is anymore and so I'm gradually changing it. One part of it is me going from a couch potato (aka "office chair" potato) to a workout whore! XD
Things that used to be fun are not so much anymore and things I'm just starting aren't really burned into my mind that much yet??!!
Plus your answers wouldn't always be the same!! If somebody asked me 2 years ago, I'd definitely answered differently!

It seems like I have some kind of blockade in my mind that doesn't let me throught to what I truly want. I can't find my true wishes.

Another reason might be that I'm not really unhappy at all.
I guess those guidebooks work better for people who are currently in a bad situation, have a job they hate etc.
I really don't know.

Only once in my life I had a wish I wanted to give my everything for and that was coming to Japan and studying Japanese and I did it.
My first year here was awesome. I did everything I came here for, explored Japan, studied Japanese like crazy, met a few interesting people.
Soon after that I went into a "zombie" stage.
Sorry, I'm not sure how to call it, so "zombie stage" will work ^^;

I'll try to explain what this means.
When people asked me what I was doing on my weekends or on my days off, I couldn't really answer because I wondered, too, what the hell I actually did.
It's like my life came to a halt where nothing changed anymore and things every day were pretty much the same. Same routine.
Apart from my travelling, I almost never left my apartment and like a zombie sat in front of my laptop.
A very passive way of living, huh?
Well, I did a lot while being online, sharing my thoughts, my life, my photos with you guys, for example. But also some really stupid "zombie" surfing. And that's where the thought of "what the hell did I do the whole day?" is coming from, I guess.

In one of the books (the book that's helping me the most right now) written by Barbara Sher, I've found some interesting statements which fit me perfectly (trying to translate them back into English as the original book was English, too, but I'm reading the German version):

"If we are too good at avoiding, we will never be able to start to live!"

"A life you don't live is hell!"



I don't wanna look back and keep ranting and lamenting about it. What done is done, but I wanna change it.
I just have no idea how.
I'm gradually working on it right now, but I feel I've met a dead end here in Japan, too, so it's time to move on.

It's so difficult to find out what you really want, but I'm sure it's possible!
I won't give up!!!!!

I am scared of going back to Germany and not finding a job at all, wasting all my savings from Japan - or even worse: work in a job I hate!

On the other hand I feel lonely here in Japan.
I'm sick of the staring and being the outsider all of the time.
Of course it has a lot to do with living in the countryside where no foreigner I know ever stayed long - unless they're married and settled here (but then they have family and are not lonely anyways).
Even I who usually can handle being all by herself (and actually enjoys it) has reached her limit.
I don't know how much different it would be if I relocate to a bigger city in Japan, but I'm not sure if that's something I want to try.

Even back in Germany most of my friends are gone by now. After over 4 years (once I come back!) we've grown apart a lot. Most of them don't even answer via e-mail anymore. It's getting less and less every year/month.
At least I still have my family back there. In Germany it will be definitely easier to get to know people and connect with others. Or Europe/Western countries in general.


As you can see that was a lot of random thoughts that I just wanted to tell you about.


If somebody was wondering about those books and about some of my answers, here we go (just a small extract):

"It would be paradise if I could do the following things in my job ...."
- learning more about a healthy lifestyle (food and fitness)
- browsing through the internet
- editing my travel photos
- write posts about my travelling (in Japan)
- using my Japanese ability in some way (learning more Japanese)

"Other people often give me positive feedback for .." (that one was tough)
- having a talent for acting(?! eeh?! XD)
- being very precise and accurate, always on time, dependable at work



"The following I'd even do without being paid .." (that was easy ..)
- writing entries about my Japan travelling
- browsing the internet
- editing photos / graphics
- translating Japanese-English-German
- study Japanese
- learn more about a healthy lifestyle and do it

"Nobody would pay me for doing the following .."
- browsing the internet
- living a healthy lifestyle (trying out new workouts/food)
- studying Japanese
- writing about my experience in Japan


Well, most of those books suggest to go through it with a friend or so, because you'll need somebody else to evaluate things. Otherwise you might never find out what you really want, even if you've already written it down, but you just don't notice until somebody else will tell you!! (T___T) ....

Anyways I guess you can see in what directions those things go. "Barbara Sher's" book also lets you create your fantasy paradise job and then your paradise hell job where you can decide everything from how many days you'd like to work, what hours, how much salary, to coworkers and location etc. - it doesn't have to be realistic at all!!!
For me I'd love to work like I do now, 4 days a week. Salary, enough to live (so that really depends on the location then).
Location: not too far away from my apartment/house and NOT in a BIG CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!! (so same as now ... )
I think it would be too long to tell you about the whole scenario unless you're really interested, but I think you get it.
If you have the same problem as me, just try it out and maybe it'll help you!! :)

To make a looooong entry short:
I HIT A DEAD END IN MY LIFE (ALREADY QUITE A WHILE AGO WITHOUT NOTICING?!) AND I NEED TO CHANGE SEVERAL THINGS IN MY LIFE NOW IN ORDER TO MOVE ON!!

That being said, after going through so many exercises I think I found at least SOMETHING I wanna try. Not sure if that's the write thing to do, but "Barbara Sher" says that only those who get active and try will eventually get closer to their wishes ...
I'll let you know in detail what it is in a separate entry soon!

Thanks a lot for caring and reading!!
P.S.: And yeah, I know I'm pathetic, but at least I try :/