Hello everybody or rather Good night?!

I just came back from work and it's getting close to midnight while I'm typing this. I'm tired, but I really want to write this off of my soul.
Some of you already seemed to have grasped it from a few comments I made here and there in some of my entries.

I finally decided to leave Japan.
No, this has nothing to do with the earthquake and we're not talking about the very near future anyways.
People who have been reading my LJ for the past few years know that I had an entry like this at least once a year anyways, lamenting about not knowing whether I should / want to stay in Japan longer or not.

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"If we are too good at avoiding, we will never be able to start to live!"

"A life you don't live is hell!"



I don't wanna look back and keep ranting and lamenting about it. What done is done, but I wanna change it.
I just have no idea how.
I'm gradually working on it right now, but I feel I've met a dead end here in Japan, too, so it's time to move on.

It's so difficult to find out what you really want, but I'm sure it's possible!
I won't give up!!!!!

I am scared of going back to Germany and not finding a job at all, wasting all my savings from Japan - or even worse: work in a job I hate!

On the other hand I feel lonely here in Japan.
I'm sick of the staring and being the outsider all of the time.
Of course it has a lot to do with living in the countryside where no foreigner I know ever stayed long - unless they're married and settled here (but then they have family and are not lonely anyways).
Even I who usually can handle being all by herself (and actually enjoys it) has reached her limit.
I don't know how much different it would be if I relocate to a bigger city in Japan, but I'm not sure if that's something I want to try.

Even back in Germany most of my friends are gone by now. After over 4 years (once I come back!) we've grown apart a lot. Most of them don't even answer via e-mail anymore. It's getting less and less every year/month.
At least I still have my family back there. In Germany it will be definitely easier to get to know people and connect with others. Or Europe/Western countries in general.


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To make a looooong entry short:
I HIT A DEAD END IN MY LIFE (ALREADY QUITE A WHILE AGO WITHOUT NOTICING?!) AND I NEED TO CHANGE SEVERAL THINGS IN MY LIFE NOW IN ORDER TO MOVE ON!!

That being said, after going through so many exercises I think I found at least SOMETHING I wanna try. Not sure if that's the write thing to do, but "Barbara Sher" says that only those who get active and try will eventually get closer to their wishes ...
I'll let you know in detail what it is in a separate entry soon!

Thanks a lot for caring and reading!!
P.S.: And yeah, I know I'm pathetic, but at least I try :/