Hi!

I think some of you have already guessed it, but it doesn't look like I'll leave Japan in just a few months (February / March) as planned.
Well, of course it also depends on whether I'll get my visa renewed or not, but if I do, I guess I'm here for another year or so.

It's really hard to describe.
My life since I moved in March has gotten extremely busy. It's not bad, because I travel so much, it's almost insane!
Just looking at the list of places I've been to in the past year makes me realize just how busy I must have been!

Unfortunately all that traveling also comes with a lot of prior planning and post photo sorting and no breaks in between.
As soon as I come back from one trip I already plan the next one.
I have given up on catching up with sorting the photos or posting about my trips. It's gotten impossible!

That alone keeps me insanely busy, but of course there are always a lot of other things that also need to be done.

And with that this year has passed by without much happening (apart from my awesome trips ).
I've even been too busy to think about my future - it seems.
Of course, it's always on my mind, but it seems I won't get the answer I want any time soon.

I'm still living my dream, but I also think I need more or something else at this point.
As you know this is not something recent, I've had that feeling for a long time now and I thought by moving within Japan I could figure something out, but apparently it didn't help with that concern.

I feel like I'm exactly at the same spot where I was a year ago ... or even two years ago.
Yes, I've accomplished something with my blog. I've seen so many great places in the meantime and I try to enjoy my time here in Japan as much as I can and as long as I still can, but ....... I dunno.




It's like ... the longer I stay here in Japan, the less I feel comfortable with going back to Germany.
I just can't see myself leading a happy life in Germany. Of course, I could be totally wrong ... and of course, I miss my home country and I wish I could go back and spend a few months there!
There are many things that are better in Germany and that will become more and more important the older I get (like the social support system, the health system etc.).

On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to keep my current lifestyle at all! I would have to live with the bare minimum of money.
That is because in Germany you'll only get back about half of your salary after taxes. HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I doubt I could live comfortably like that.

I also can't imagine to find a job that I'd like doing.
I'm still trying to figure out if there might be anything that I could do on a freelance basis.


I think what I need is a clear goal I can work towards, but nothing comes to my mind.
Generally I like my current life, but I feel that something needs to change, just not sure what and how.


First of all, I don't think it's good that I'm always so busy.
Like I said I keep doing trips on a very regular basis (which I really enjoy, but planning is getting more and more tiring ...), I'm busy with my full-time job and all the things of daily life .... and then blogging eats up the rest of my time.
And that's all in my life. No space for anything more!

If I could I'd join a sport club, meet people, take part in some cultural events, have some time for just myself where I could read a book or watch dramas ..... but it's impossible to find the time for all of these things.

I don't want to neglect my blog completely, either. I put too much work into it, but it's the truth that I struggle to update it at all because I'm busy with so many other things.
And the few moments of free time I have, I use to update it.

This is the first weekend in many, many months that I decided to do nothing and just relax ... and only do the things I really want ... like updating my LJ!



I'm just super afraid that I'll stay here in Japan for another 5 years or so, then being over 35 .... having no family around me, no real friends ... no boyfriend and no chance of creating my own family.
Just still sitting here, updating my blog, traveling a lot.

I love traveling in Japan, but it's also getting more and more of a burden at the same time.
Compared to the previous years where I had less vacation ... I only really had three weeks per year where I had to worry about planning and traveling, but now there's no end to it.

I also run out of ideas where to go.

Maybe I should get back into studying Japanese and finally take the N1 ... but for what?



It's like .... sense is missing in what I'm doing right now.
I enjoy my trips ... I enjoy posting about them ... I enjoy sorting my photos .... but doing JUST THAT doesn't seem to fulfill me (yes, it keeps me busy and I enjoy doing it, but that's just not the same, right?). On the other hand I don't have the time to put anything new into my life.



And in reality .. no matter if we're talking about now or in a few years ... I'll run into many problems.
It will be hard to find a job in Germany. Probably it's gonna be a job I don't like.
Although it's my home country it's gonna be more stressful than here in Japan.
I have never paid pension and I'm not sure how that's gonna work out in Germany once I'm back ... or in any other country I might choose.

I'm also afraid of the high crime rate and the large amount of foreigners and teenager delinquents in Germany. I don't want to live in a big city, but that means I won't be able to find a job suited for my qualifications.
It's really sad.

Of course, Switzerland or Austria might be a good alternative as they're close enough to where my family lives, but might offer a bit better living conditions.


I'm still hoping that something will come up naturally ... maybe via my blog and the contacts I got through it.
But if nothing will happen, what shall I do?
I have given up finding an answer for this, because no matter how hard I think about it, I can't find an answer.

It seems stupid to me to give up my life here in Japan where I earn more than I ever would in Germany with a nice apartment, a car and a job that I enjoy.
Of course life here can also be very stressful, but apart from a few situations I have never felt horrible or desperate like I did in Germany a few times.


I guess as long as I still enjoy my current job .. and especially as long as I'm still young and fit enough to do it, I could just continue and slowly work to improve my Japanese skills, blogging skills to build up a good set of qualifications that might help me once I decide to go back to Germany.
But even then, that doesn't solve my other problem: the feeling that something is missing in my life .... and the feeling that I spend too much time with traveling / photos / blogging while not having time for anything else.


I don't know what a person in my situation is supposed to do.
I just need a few clues, a new direction, a new goal, but unfortunately you can't get those as a Christmas presents, now can you? :(



Sorry for this rather long and pointless rant.

Bye~chuu~