// Tiger & Dragon // - [Japan Life]: Afraid of change, anyone?!

Previous | Memories | Tell Someone | Next

chochajin

02 December 2011 @ 01:06 am

[Japan Life]: Afraid of change, anyone?!

Hello.

It's past midnight and I should probably go to bed rather than write this entry now, but whatever.

I'm still really worried and think way too much - despite being ridiculously busy.
Why is it that December is always the most stressful and busiest month ever since I came to Japan?

I've been packing up quite some things today and sorted out what I want to keep (and send back home) and what I want to get rid of (and sale).
This might seem quite sudden, but if you think about it, I have less than 3 months if I really do it!

And sending home things + selling stuff I don't need is not wrong no matter what I decide to do in the end.

Thus and first of all, please check out the SALES ENTRIES!!!

As I'll be moving soon I need money like WOAH and I also need to get rid of all these things (although it breaks my heart having to sell them for so cheap), so definitely have a look at all of it and buy something if you like it!!!
You'll help me a lot and yourself, too! I doubt you'll find things for so cheap any time soon!!!

Back to the actual topic.

I had a really long talk with one of my coworkers after work this week.
I'm really glad he listened to my worries.

He asked me what I really want to do, but I just don't know that's WHY I'M HAVING ALL THESE WORRIES IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! (-__-

)

He suggested going back home would probably be the best option, but as I can't see myself back home just yet, that's not an option for NOW.

So, it's really just about staying here or challenging myself and trying to move to a big city.

In the end, he insisted that moving would be the best choice for me, emphasizing that as a coworker he'd love to keep me here as it makes life easier for him, too, but as a friend he'd really suggest that I move somewhere else.
It's good to have people around you that can be honest like that!

I will go for it! I will finish my contract and not renew!

That means I'm done in less than 3 months! HOMG!! I'm still completely freaking out about that short amount of time I have to do all the things that need to be done now.

Find a job, an apartment, move my stuff etc.!!!!

And I'm really anxious ... not excited, just super afraid and thus stressed out.
That's not how things should be, right?
Usually when you do the "right" thing you feel good about it, am I wrong?!

I don't know why. Maybe I'm just too worried to leave my comfort zone this time.
I wasn't the least bit afraid when going to Japan 4 years ago. I was all hyper and excited - that's HOW it should be.

Then again, no matter what options I go through mentally, none of them makes me excited at all.

The thought of staying here makes me feel relieved, though. That's because it's my comfort zone, I guess.

Let's look at the pros and cons of both options

Staying here in my little inaka:

(-) nothing will change (I'm not moving forward at all, no new experiences, no new people)

(+) have enough free time to travel, work on my blog, relax

(+) save a lot of money (low rent, high salary)

(+) super short way to work (5 min.!) = saving time and money like woah!

(+) know where everything is and how things work here (esp. doctor as I have to go every 3 months ..)

(+) feeling safe as I know exactly what will happen and what not

(+) I can go everywhere by bicycle

(-) I'm always far away when it's about meeting friends or going to concerts or other events

Moving to a bigger city / changing jobs:

(-) starting from zero again

(-) having MUCH less time again (have to give up on my blog and not much traveling anymore = although those are the things I enjoy the most!! :( ...)

(-) possibly a long way to work every day (leaving me with no free time at all!)

(-) not able to save much money anymore (lower salary, much higher rent and cost of living, commuting to work etc.)

(-) I probably need to take the train no matter where I want to go = expensive

(-) loud environment / loud apartment (= I cannot sleep and am always stressed)

(-) risk of getting a job that will screw me / coworkers that suck or bully me (= more stress)

(+) option of taking taiko lessons and other interesting things ((-) although I probably won't have the time when working full-time again and having to commute ... also, if the lessons are during the week in the evening, I cannot go anyways because of work ..)

(+) being closer to a big city = more events / people to meet (= even less money)

GAH!!!
I have one more day until I need to talk to my boss. I don't want to think about it really ...
Losing the things I enjoy the most in exchange for other things that I care about, but not as much .... I'm really not sure.
Why can't I figure out what it is that I want?!
So annoying

[/rant]

Writing applications from tomorrow on.
Time's working against me already.
And if I finish my job, I'll also lose my apartment as it belongs to the company.
Worst case scenario I'll be without a job and a place to stay. Uh ...

On top of that I'm so stressed.
Selling things, writing applications, busiest time at work, planning my winter vacation, blogging ETC. ... just TOO MUCH!!!!

Qué sera ... or so -_-;

Tags: *japan: life, *japan: work

[mood]:

anxious

35 コメント | • Ore no hanashi wo kike

( Post a new comment )

mit-souko.livejournal.com on December 1st, 2011 05:13 pm (UTC)

I think you risk shooting yourself in the foot if you have a defeatist attitude.

Why assume your lodgings will be in a loud place? It might be nice and peaceful. There are plenty of quiet places in large cities too. Yes, maybe it will be a longer commute, but not necessarily so long it eats too much into your free time. One can use a commute to read. And you may still be able to use your bike to go to work. I would also think you can bike around, I see people doing it all the time in Tokyo or Kyoto and other cities.

Yes, there is an inherent risk with any new job. You were more full of anticipation when you moved to Japan, so you seem to have overlooked the risks more easily then. But it is not necessarily going to be bad, and it will not be for the rest of your life.

Do focus more on the positive! Have a half full glass attitude rather than a half empty one! One need not be a silly optimist, but thinking that things will probably turn out ok is more likely to produce that result, trust me! Being excessively timorous induces paralysis.

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 02:55 pm (UTC)

I know. I know that this will lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy if I'm not careful, but it's just really difficult for me to stay positive at the moment and I try to figure out why!

Thanks for your comment! :)

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

baka-tenshi.livejournal.com on December 1st, 2011 06:29 pm (UTC)

i feel that if you really like where you live, you should be able to stay despite the few cons you thought of. however, moving is always going to be stressful. ;~; i hope you can figure something out!

argh omg. i wish i could buy things from you. T____T there's so many things i want!

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 03:03 pm (UTC)

Thanks. I hope I can figure out something soon! :/

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

amvn.livejournal.com on December 1st, 2011 06:58 pm (UTC)

Oh looks like you have some really hard decisions ahead of you :/ have you found any job offers yet? Anyway, you should be quite interesting for employers considering your experience in Japan, proficiency in English, Japanese and German and the pure fact that you work really hard. I still hope if you get a job it'll be one that allows you to enjoy other things than just work 24/7. There are definitely pros and cons with both alternatives; staying safe financially and at work is very important, yet I'm a big believer in taking chances, especially if you feel like you're getting nowhere where you are now. I get the feeling you want something more from your stay in Japan other than what you've been doing now, before going back to Germany. In that case taking this chance seems fair to me, but I don't necessarily know if I'm right here (I have after all stayed all my life so far in the one and same place, and I've always yearned for change myself). Anyway you should try to stay positive, it'll make everything much easier :) I really wish I could help you more though.

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 03:15 pm (UTC)

Well .. kind of.
See the thing with a time limit is that you need to take the jobs that are available right now and cannot pick the jobs you really want (unless you're super lucky and the job you really want is offered right now).
That's why I wanted to stay until June to have a bit more time to choose the best job.

So far I couldn't really find a job that fits what I want, but I guess I cannot be too picky :( *sigh*

I will try to stay positive, thank you.
It's just really hard, though. I have no clue why. I'm trying to figure out why I'm sooo negative about this :(

Thanks *hugs*

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 01:22 pm (UTC)

Well if you'd stay until June you might have missed a great job because you could not quit earlier. There's always pro and cons. You have three months to leisurely look for a job. That's more than plenty! You're not really pressed for time yet! No need to take the first one that comes around especially if you don't like it!

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 01:25 pm (UTC)

Well, I talked to my boss today, so there's no turning back anymore.
Surprisingly enough he wasn't angry or disappointed at all!!! I was so nervous about it. Now I feel relieved.
Maybe now I can even handle out staying a little bit longer in my apartment if it's necessary (like say if there are 2 weeks between old and new job or so).

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 01:56 pm (UTC)

You've been there for years! I'm sure you'll work something out :)

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 1st, 2011 07:07 pm (UTC)

You're really quite negative... you list remote possibilities as negatives! You could end up in a wonderful quiet apartment in walking distance to your new school with wonderful co-workers as well. It's probably going to be a mixture of both good and bad probably though :)

I thought you're also having problems with your apartment right now with it being really small and noisy neighbors and no pets allowed?

Sure it's stressful to move and change and of course you'll spent more money living close to bigger cities simply because there's so much more to do and spend money on! But you'll also have less free time working full time so less time to spend money :) It all evens out.

And about not being able to write your blog, why not? You managed fine with LJ even when you were still working full time. It's not like you have to post every day.

Try to be a bit more positive and anticipation will come :)

There are not many people who like working with little ones and have experience. I'm pretty sure you'll get tons of offers. And don't be afraid to apply to interesting jobs where they want a "native" speaker. If everything else fits they might take you after all. It's rare to have applications where everything fits :)

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 03:20 pm (UTC)

Yes. I AM. And I have no idea WHY!? I don't get it. I wanna find out WHY I'm so negative about this. This is just too strange :/

Well, currently I couldn't find any jobs directly in a big city. 1.5h away from Osaka was the closest I found (15min. away from Himeji). It's really difficult.
That's the problem when you only have a very limited time to get a new job. You need to take what's there at the moment and can't wait for the REAL good job you've been wanting all time long :(

I don't think I will have the energy to.
The reason why I went from full-time to 1 day less per week was because I was sick way too often, had no free time at all etc. .... why should that be any different now?

I TRY! But as long as I haven't figured out WHY I'm so negative, this is gonna be difficult.
I also have no motivation to write new applications. So annoying :(
What's wrong?!

Haven't found any "interesting" jobs so far ;___; .....

This time I know EXACTLY what I'm looking for, esp. because I've been recruiting teachers myself and know what to look for.

I need to talk with my boss tomorrow and I'm still not sure what to tell him.
Telling him I'll leave will end it once and for all.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 01:25 pm (UTC)

As I said, you have time. No need to send 10 applications to every single company every day. Send one a day if you see something you like working down the line of interesting jobs. You're allowed to panic if you haven't found anything one month before your contract runs out, but before that take your pick from the job offers!

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 01:38 pm (UTC)

Well, yeah.
I already feel quite stressed out.
Packing stuff to send back to Germany ASAP.
Inform myself what else I need to do when moving (cellphone, bills, ARC etc.)
Selling stuff here on LJ (takes an ridiculous amount of time so that at some point I might just cancel it and send the stuff off to Mandarake instead -__-; ....)
Once I understand how moving company charge, I might even take some of it with me and continue selling stuff from there (if it's not by kg as long as it fits in one truck, then I can take it with me!)
AAAH!!!

I need to write letters of recommendation, my boss and coworkers will sign them.
I also try to create something like the German "Arbeitszeugnis" and let s.b. at work translate it into Japanese as well.

I haven't written a single application yet.

My travel and daily backpack broke after 15 years and I NEED to go and buy a new one tomorrow. Also the autumn colors are at their peak and tomorrow is probably my last chance to take photos.

I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME!!! ;__;

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 01:55 pm (UTC)

Well, buy a new backpack and take pictures of the autumn colors tomorrow :)

You're not moving tomorrow, so plenty of time to make packages to send home yet and write lists about what you need to do and who you need to inform. You're there for a few more months, so you can worry about the Arbeitszeugnis until later. Why not make it in English, your boss should understand and your future company too :)

You can ask Mandarake to pick up your stuff in case you don't want to take it with you later too, why worry about it now?

And about your sales: It's the weekend! Slow down. I wouldn't spend a beautiful day at home just to sell something. They'll live if you reply a day later.

Prioritize! What can you only do now? Yup, autumn colors!
Prioritize! What of these things do you need done now? Yup, buy a backpack as you need it every day.

Everything else, do later.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:02 pm (UTC)

Well, I hope the weather will be good. Has been so horrible on my last few days off :(
Even if it's raining, I have to go, also need to buy more packaging stuff ("kleine Pakettaschen") etc. while I'm at it for selling / sending more stuff x___X

No, but everybody tells me to do all the things ASAP!
Time's running out already now and it's only a bit more than 8 weeks until everything should be set and done!!!! That's not much.

Highest priority is finding a job, because what does it help me if I have all the things set and done, but don't have a job, right?

Like I said, tomorrow I'm already busy. I came back home from work today, drank coffee and then handled the sales until now (midnight).
And next week I'll be busy at work again :(
So many things going on there as December has always been the busiest month anyways.

And I haven't even started to plan my winter vacation!!!! Not even sure if I can get any hotel rooms anymore ... moooo~ so late already T____T

What do I need to do now?
Yes, autumn colors.
Yes, backpack.
Yes, apply for jobs.
Yes, plan winter vacation and reserve hotels ASAP.

*sigh*

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:21 pm (UTC)

Well, that's still a lot less than in your last post. Seems manageable :) If you need help with hotels, let me know I can help you look. Obviously I have too much free time. N1 tomorrow? What's that? I think I'll sleep in :)

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:23 pm (UTC)

Doesn't seem manageable to me, but I have no other choice, but to try at least.
Collecting some information for my winter vacation right now before I fall completely asleep.
Not a single minute of rest so far. Wanna watch a drama or so before going to bed! x___X; ....

Cannot possibly write applications, letters of rec or whatever when half-asleep anyways.

Oh, you're taking it tomorrow .. uh .. today?! (;P ...)
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)

Well I paid for it, but I'm not sure I'll go. I haven't learned anything for it AT ALL. I'd do it for the experience to see what the difference is compared to 1-kyuu but I need to be there at 9:00, on a SUNDAY. I'll see how I feel about it in the morning.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:29 pm (UTC)

Well, what???!! You already paid for it, don't be lazy and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It'll be a great experience ... or you'll be shocked. *g*
Either way you should GO!!!!!!!! ;P

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC)

Well, I'll make you a deal: You stress yourself less and I go. If you're really good about it I'll try to pass as well (no chance in hell but I'll try) :D

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:38 pm (UTC)

I'll try, I promise!
So you go and try, too!!!!! :)

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

asahifirsa.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:40 pm (UTC)

Okay :D I'll let you know how it went on twitter tomorrow :)

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC)

Braves Mädchen ;P

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

kevinsensei.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 12:19 am (UTC)
You and me both!

If I stay in Japan (I'm back to 50/50 -_-), I'll need to find a new job and move too. (I'm currently living in teacher's housing.)

So yeah, I'm currently writing applications too just in case I decide to stay. There are no jobs around here unfortunately, so the move will be somewhere a bit far away - probably somewhere around Tokyo as I have some friends there and am familiar with the area.

Anyway, I don't really have much advice to offer except that it looks like you've done your homework on this. From what I've read, moving to another place in Japan seems like the best choice for you. It is much less secure than staying where you are now, but as you pointed out you won't be moving forward at all - and I feel it is time for you to move forward. :)

一緒にがんばろうね！ p(^o^)q

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC)
Re: You and me both!

Welcome to the club, I guess (x___X')

I haven't found any decent job I REALLY wanna apply to either *sigh*
Of course my standards are higher now than they were 4 years ago ...

If it's the best choice then I wonder why I'm so freaking negative about it.

Thanks, I wish you all the best, too!
Hope we both soon figure out what we want to do :(

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

jimjamjenny.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 03:25 am (UTC)

Stop being so negative!

I live in a city, and of the negatives that you listed, NONE of them are true for me. It takes me about half an hour to get to work, and would be much shorter if I used a bike for the walking part.

I have LOADS of free time - probably more than you have now.

I can save at least 50,000 yen a month, which is a decent amount (sometimes I can save up to 100,000)

I live within cycling distance of the city centre so I can go there without taking the train, but even if I do take it, it takes either 200 yen to get to Hakata or 250 yen to get to Tenjin - hardly breaking the bank.

I live in a very quiet environment, my neighbours are hardly ever loud.

My coworkers are all lovely and my job, although I'm not entirely satisfied with it, is generally good.

Plus, there are lots of other positive things to living in a city:

Transportation - It's SO easy to get anywhere. First of all, most big cities in Japan have an airport, so travelling by plane is really easy when you have to do it (I live 15 minutes away by train from the airport!). Then, there are really good train services to most places, and if you were going to live in somewhere like Osaka or Kobe then you have really easy access to the Shinkansen.

Shopping - Any German food that you miss? It'll probably be MUCH easier to track down in a city than in the countryside. There are huge bookshops if you like reading (one of the ones I go to regularly has a collection of German books, as well as a big collection of English ones)

As a foreigner, you're much less likely to get stared at in cities - generally people don't notice you!

Range of jobs - there are way more opportunities in the city than there are in the country.

I could go on, but I'm not going to.

...I also have a tendency to think negatively about stuff. I think what you have to remember is that you're obviously not happy where you are now. Otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about moving in the first place. Even if you do move, and you're not happy, you can always move again! This is where not having a boyfriend/husband/children really helps, as you're not tied down at all.

I'm not really looking forward to moving to Tokyo next year at all, because I LOVE it here, and even the thought of packing and arranging stuff for the move really stresses me out. But when I think about it, there are loads of positive things about moving as well.

I think a lot of the problem is that you just don't know how things are going to work out - you could end up really happy, or you could end up regretting leaving. It's impossible to tell how it'll work out. But you really don't seem to be that happy where you are now, so I think it's probably worth taking the risk?

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 04:49 pm (UTC)

I know!
I don't understand myself why I'm so negative about this.
I try to figure out why, because it's just too strange. Why being THAT negative, right? :/

Thanks for your nice comment and encouragement.

I still don't know what to tell my boss tomorrow .. really. Oh well .. ^-^;

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

moldypotatochip.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 01:39 pm (UTC)

Yeah, it's true that living in a city is more expensive and you will have a longer work commute. BUT there are a lot more things to do and see, and you'll be able to make friends. Heck I started dating someone a matter of weeks after I moved here and that was something that took ages in inaka... there are more options for everything in the city. And I understand your fears but you have also stated you want to start moving in a new direction and maybe moving to a new city will help you find a new dream :)

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 04:51 pm (UTC)

Well, yeah, but you COULD have that in a smaller place, too. That has to do with luck and chances.
But I DO understand that there are naturally more chances in bigger places :)

I still don't get why I'm so negative about this.
It's time to move on as much as I like my current life - it's not something that can go on like this forever. So here we goooo! x_X

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

weifrannie.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 02:11 pm (UTC)

Be positive! Cross the bridge when you get there. =)

At least you're decided now that you're moving to a new place. That's a good start.

http://www.careercross.com/en/ I hope this will help you in your job search.

Good luck.

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 04:50 pm (UTC)

Thanks for the link, but I usually use Gaijinpot and the likes when looking for jobs!! :3333

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

celestica.livejournal.com on December 2nd, 2011 08:00 pm (UTC)

You worry too much XD you should have someone to be there when you worry too much but everyone is different you know? So I won't nag you for being so negative cos I figure thats the part of you that is safe where you are currently telling you, your mind, that you'd stay etc. Don't listen, or at least try.

Ok continue to be negative but positive. Think but continue to do what you decided XD; I know it sounds confusing. But I guess its hard for you to be positive so rather try to be positive, be both. Might or might not work <3

*hugs Good luck :)

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 3rd, 2011 10:29 am (UTC)

I know ;___; *slaps self*

There's not really anybody around me. All my friends are back in Germany and so is my family.

Thanks, I'll try!! :)

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)

vixenofflames.livejournal.com on December 4th, 2011 04:21 am (UTC)

I agree with the first commenter - staying positive is much better. Starting from scratch shouldn't be an inherent negative - when you moved to Japan you were starting from scratch and you were really excited! There are always reservations when taking a scary risk and not having everything planned out, but you won't grow if you don't take risks. You'll just continue to stagnate. You'll be safe and comfortable, but you've been unhappy with your life for at least the last year, and you don't want to continue that.

I think you're making the right decision :)

(Reply) (Thread) (Link)

chochajin.livejournal.com on December 4th, 2011 10:16 am (UTC)

You are right! I'll try hard to stay positive!
And yes, my life, my personal development has stagnated in this happy but lonely comfort (aka zombie) zone ^^;;

(Reply) (Parent) (Link)