Hello.

It's past midnight and I should probably go to bed rather than write this entry now, but whatever.
I'm still really worried and think way too much - despite being ridiculously busy.
Why is it that December is always the most stressful and busiest month ever since I came to Japan?

I've been packing up quite some things today and sorted out what I want to keep (and send back home) and what I want to get rid of (and sale).
This might seem quite sudden, but if you think about it, I have less than 3 months if I really do it!
And sending home things + selling stuff I don't need is not wrong no matter what I decide to do in the end.



As I'll be moving soon I need money like WOAH and I also need to get rid of all these things (although it breaks my heart having to sell them for so cheap), so definitely have a look at all of it and buy something if you like it!!!
You'll help me a lot and yourself, too! I doubt you'll find things for so cheap any time soon!!!




Back to the actual topic.
I had a really long talk with one of my coworkers after work this week.
I'm really glad he listened to my worries.
He asked me what I really want to do, but I just don't know that's WHY I'M HAVING ALL THESE WORRIES IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! (-__-)

He suggested going back home would probably be the best option, but as I can't see myself back home just yet, that's not an option for NOW.

So, it's really just about staying here or challenging myself and trying to move to a big city.

In the end, he insisted that moving would be the best choice for me, emphasizing that as a coworker he'd love to keep me here as it makes life easier for him, too, but as a friend he'd really suggest that I move somewhere else.
It's good to have people around you that can be honest like that!


I will go for it! I will finish my contract and not renew!
That means I'm done in less than 3 months! HOMG!! I'm still completely freaking out about that short amount of time I have to do all the things that need to be done now.

Find a job, an apartment, move my stuff etc.!!!!

And I'm really anxious ... not excited, just super afraid and thus stressed out.
That's not how things should be, right?
Usually when you do the "right" thing you feel good about it, am I wrong?!

I don't know why. Maybe I'm just too worried to leave my comfort zone this time.
I wasn't the least bit afraid when going to Japan 4 years ago. I was all hyper and excited - that's HOW it should be.

Then again, no matter what options I go through mentally, none of them makes me excited at all.
The thought of staying here makes me feel relieved, though. That's because it's my comfort zone, I guess.


Let's look at the pros and cons of both options

Staying here in my little inaka:

• (-) nothing will change (I'm not moving forward at all, no new experiences, no new people)


• (+) have enough free time to travel, work on my blog, relax


• (+) save a lot of money (low rent, high salary)


• (+) super short way to work (5 min.!) = saving time and money like woah!


• (+) know where everything is and how things work here (esp. doctor as I have to go every 3 months ..)


• (+) feeling safe as I know exactly what will happen and what not


• (+) I can go everywhere by bicycle


• (-) I'm always far away when it's about meeting friends or going to concerts or other events

Moving to a bigger city / changing jobs:

• (-) starting from zero again


• (-) having MUCH less time again (have to give up on my blog and not much traveling anymore = although those are the things I enjoy the most!! :( ...)


• (-) possibly a long way to work every day (leaving me with no free time at all!)


• (-) not able to save much money anymore (lower salary, much higher rent and cost of living, commuting to work etc.)


• (-) I probably need to take the train no matter where I want to go = expensive


• (-) loud environment / loud apartment (= I cannot sleep and am always stressed)


• (-) risk of getting a job that will screw me / coworkers that suck or bully me (= more stress)


• (+) option of taking taiko lessons and other interesting things ((-) although I probably won't have the time when working full-time again and having to commute ... also, if the lessons are during the week in the evening, I cannot go anyways because of work ..)


• (+) being closer to a big city = more events / people to meet (= even less money)

GAH!!!
I have one more day until I need to talk to my boss. I don't want to think about it really ...
Losing the things I enjoy the most in exchange for other things that I care about, but not as much .... I'm really not sure.
Why can't I figure out what it is that I want?!
So annoying

[/rant]


Writing applications from tomorrow on.
Time's working against me already.
And if I finish my job, I'll also lose my apartment as it belongs to the company.
Worst case scenario I'll be without a job and a place to stay. Uh ...

On top of that I'm so stressed.
Selling things, writing applications, busiest time at work, planning my winter vacation, blogging ETC. ... just TOO MUCH!!!!


Qué sera ... or so -_-;